A Guide to Cat Magick

The narcissists and psychopaths of the world are firmly in charge, England is broken and Nazis have been given the green light to crawl out from under wet, stinking rocks everywhere. It’s difficult not to feel that everything’s going to shit.

These are clearly difficult times, and difficult times, ladies and gentlemen, need serious measures.

We need to be agile; light on our feet; able to squeeze through small gaps, leap obstacles and find shelter in dark hiding places; we need white hot reactions coupled with an unrivalled ability to relax. In short, we need to Get Cat.

To which cat deity should we turn in these times? Bast? Shashthi? Ceridwen? Hecate? Freyja? All beautiful and powerful goddesses, and deserving of our veneration.

But no, these singular times need a deity of particular strengths: possessing not just the cat qualities above, but ideally also a magic bag from which he can conjure solutions to the problems which beset us. But where might we encounter such a being?

Ladies and gentlemen, we offer you The Felix the Cat Working.

Things you will need

  • a picture of Felix for your altar, ideally in his earlier, more feral incarnation, but in the end just pick one that appeals
  • Felix’s anthem
  • cream
  • saucer

How to do it

Put the picture of Felix on your altar. Gather in front of it. Have cream and saucer to hand.

Say the Statement of Intent: “It is our will to be able to greet life’s difficulties with the agility and resourcefulness of Felix the Cat.”

Evoke Felix in this fashion: “Great Felix, be with us here today to gift us your agility and resourcefulness as we face life’s difficulties. We offer you a libation in tribute.”

Pour cream into the saucer as you say the above. Set the rest of the cream aside. Raise the saucer above your head and place on the altar in front of the picture of Felix.

Time for Gnosis. Get Cat, in whatever fashion you choose.  Getting down on all fours, clawing the carpet and stretching in a langorous fashion should get you rolling. The rest, as they say, is up to you. Think Cat until the thoughts disappear and simply Be Cat. That’s the moment.

Stand up/get down from the top of the wardrobe/get out of the litter tray/stop showing your bumhole to your companions. Regather in front of the altar.

Thank Felix in this fashion: “Great Felix, thank you for your presence with us today. As you depart to your habitations, let there be forever peace between us. In your honour we sing your anthem.”

Sing the anthem: “Felix the Cat, The wonderful wonderful cat, Whenever he gets in a fix, He reaches into his bag of tricks! Felix the Cat, The wonderful wonderful cat, You’ll laugh so much your sides will ache, Your heart will go pitter pat, Watching Felix the wonderful cat!”

Drink the remaining cream. Go on, do it. Drink the cream. Don’t start whining, you shouldn’t have bought a litre. Drink the cream.

Banish with laughter

or dancing

or Catgroove.

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